Chris Williamson is NOT MATURE!
Have fun in the immature world of Chris Williamson.
|Posted on October 13, 2015 at 10:05 PM||comments (0)|
Playboy ending nudity is like Donald Trump ending hairspray.
|Posted on October 13, 2015 at 11:15 AM||comments (0)|
I started a new healthy program. I am required to drink half my body weight in ounces of water on a daily basis. I might as well just bring a straw to Lake Erie.....
|Posted on October 12, 2015 at 11:15 AM||comments (0)|
Pretty sure I just saw a couple of kids running a moonshine stand.
|Posted on October 3, 2015 at 6:30 PM||comments (0)|
I was driving in my car listening to Ozzy Osbourne on WBAB. I suddenly realized that I was listening to the third Ozzy song in a row. I was afraid that he might have died - why else would they play three Ozzy songs in a row first thing in the morning?
I'm happy to report that I did some research and Ozzy is alive and well. #rockblockweekend
|Posted on September 28, 2015 at 10:20 PM||comments (0)|
All this talk about the eclipse last night and I'm reminded of the first time I ever saw a supermoon. I was sitting in Friendly's Restaurant and my buddy Nick placed his bare buttocks against the window behind my head. Take that Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
|Posted on September 22, 2015 at 8:20 PM||comments (0)|
Thank you to everybody in Dana Point, California, it was fantastic! Lets do it again sometime soon.
|Posted on September 12, 2015 at 10:40 PM||comments (0)|
When I was a kid I always wanted to be Batman. Now that I'm an adult I think it would be much more fun to be The Joker.
|Posted on September 11, 2015 at 10:00 PM||comments (0)|
It's hard to believe that it's been 14 years since the horrific events of September 11, 2001. At the time I was a road comic and the whole world, including the comedy world, came to a stop. When I did get back to work I remember coming home over the Verrazano Bridge. Instead of seeing the two majestic towers I saw two lights going up to Heaven from Ground Zero. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face. For the next year or so I did one benefit show after another - comics really did their best to try to raise money for the different charities and organizations. Some comics even went overseas to entertain the troops, so close to the action that they had to wear bullet proof vests. After shows people would come up to me and thank me for letting them forget the ills of the world, even if it was only for a few minutes. I hugged and cried with widows after shows. It is a time that fourteen years hasn't dulled - I remember it as if it happened yesterday. Every 9/11 I take a few minutes to just sit quietly, and think about and honor those we have lost. Those we still continue to lose. The first responders. And I thank God for our troops who put their lives on the line for us every day.
|Posted on September 10, 2015 at 10:15 PM||comments (0)|
I’ve been watching the story of a king cobra that is on the loose in Orlando, Florida. The cobra escaped from his owner’s home (yes he lived in a house) due to a series of storms that caused a tree limb to fall. The limb damaged the home causing a flood and apparently this snake could swim like Michael Phelps because he made a run for it. I have attached the CNN report to this post for your review and have commented here on a few very important points that are in the article.
“The snake’s owner, Mike Kennedy, describes him as 8 feet long – not very big as king cobras go.” Well, thank goodness he’s only LONGER THAN SHAQUILLE O’NEIL. When I see tiny garden snakes in my yard I jump on the picnic table and scream like a girl.
“Their venom can bring down an elephant.” Or in other words, any human on the planet.
“Kennedy is licensed to own the deadly snakes and told authorities that the other venomous snakes, including a female king cobra, in his home are in their enclosures.” I have a neighbor who can’t get a permit to put a deck on his house. This guy got a license to have multiple KING COBRAS in his house. Now the article says that this house is on a ten acre lot, and the cobra is probably within 100 feet of the home, but I suspect the cobra will not have a problem crossing the property line if he finds it. Maybe the cobra wants to visit Disney? I wonder how many homeowners associations are adding clauses to their neighborhood rules based on this story – no high fences, no crazy colored garage doors, and no king cobras allowed.
“Officers are patrolling a nearby elementary school.” Not only did this guy get permission to own these venomous snakes, he got permission near a school! I have to think that there may be some local official who has “some ‘splaining to do” about the Orlando licensing process. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the next PTA meeting. If I was a student at this school I’d be putting my fake vomit to good use angling for a few sick days.
“The snake is green and white and is probably hunting for other snakes, lizards, or small mammals.” Yes, small mammals, like mice, rats, and Mrs. Jone's first grade class.
“Kennedy points out that it’s unlikely anyone will be bitten. Getting struck by lightning is much more likely than being hurt by this animal.” I beg to differ. If I’m walking around Orlando near North Apopka Vineland Road, there’s probably a much better chance I’m going to get bitten by a cobra than struck by lightning. Why? Because somebody got a license to keep king cobras in his house. Cobras live on the other side of the world – they have to be brought to the United States. I say let’s add all king cobras to the national watch list – we want them coming to the U.S.A. about as much as we want ISIS coming across the border. Truth be told, I’ll take my chances with a terrorist before I’m even in the same zip code as a cobra.
And my favorite piece of news. “The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission advises that if you come across the snake, do not try to catch it.” Now that’s great advice. In my case, it’s not necessary. If I come across a king cobra I’m more likely to curl into the fetal position and kiss my butt goodbye. I will probably scream and lose control of my bodily functions. I can assure you that an attempt to capture will not be on my list of things to do though.
Be safe Orlando!
|Posted on September 9, 2015 at 1:05 PM||comments (0)|
My son likes to make fun of my "old" Blackberry. He always tells me to get with the times. This is what I think of when I think of an old phone....
|Posted on September 5, 2015 at 12:20 AM||comments (0)|
So the highlight of this summer for me was being able to take my son backstage and meet my favorite band since the 1980s, Def Leppard. Chris Jr. is a fan too, having been raised on their music. The band is a bunch of great guys, as is their road manager Malvin who rolled the red carpet out for us. I was feeling down having been hit with Bell's Palsey (notice half of my face isn't working - it's since come back to normal - still ugly ) and this really made for a great memory between myself and my boy. Big thanks to Rick Savage for making this happen.
|Posted on September 3, 2015 at 7:35 PM||comments (0)|
Mall walking isn't working. Every time I hit the food court I break training.
|Posted on September 3, 2015 at 9:35 AM||comments (0)|
Somebody in the office just gave me this breaking news - "Wrestling is fake." I said "You try lifting a four hundred pound guy over your head. In front of 20,000 people. In your underwear."
|Posted on September 2, 2015 at 9:10 PM||comments (0)|
I'm not impressed when a server at a restaurant decides to memorize my order instead of writing it down. If I want to see a freak show I'll go to the carnival, not Applebee's. #holdthemayo
|Posted on September 1, 2015 at 11:15 PM||comments (0)|
Based on what I'm seeing on the news, I can walk around Times Square naked - as long as I paint my private parts red, white, and blue. I'm not sure where I'm going to fit the 50 stars though.
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I don't care if you're a Democrat or Republican - you have to admit - Malania Trump makes a much sexier first lady than Bill Clinton.
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Organic food I understand. Organic undies? Not so much......
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I'm about to leave to perform for the men and women of our armed services at the VA hospital in St. Albans, NY. God bless all of them. For their service, not for sitting through my show...........
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Richard Simmons is missing! Close friends say he has been M.I.A. for two years. I belive he was taken down by Mayor McCheese and The Hamburglar....