Count Heart Attackula

Posted on November 5, 2015 at 7:40 PM

As we turn the page on another Halloween and head towards Thanksgiving, I want to ask one question.

What ever happened to scary vampires? This question has been bouncing around my head since Interview with the Vampire came to the silver screen in 1994. When Hollywood was asked who should be cast as blood sucking scary creatures of the night they came up with Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Antonio Banderas.

Then in the past decade we’ve seen the cast of True Blood who are more like super models of the night. The whole Twilight series didn’t even give Robert Pattinson sharp teeth. Not only did they wimp out in the sharp teeth department they turned the spawns of Satan into love sick teeny boppers.

I want my vampires scary looking, like Max Schreck was in Nosferatu back in 1922. No Bella Swans were falling for that guy. Even Bela Lugosi was a bit of a poser back in the black and white era.

And God forbid we see a fat vampire. Apparently becoming a vampire makes you sexy and desirable – just think of how much money Weight Watchers would lose if soccer moms nationwide could lose a few pounds with just a bite on the neck. I’m going to create a movie with a big, fat, ugly vampire. Holy water will have no effect on this vampire but Vitamin Water will be deadly.

Who can play Van Helsing in my movie? Richard Simmons of course.


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Reply Jerry
8:29 PM on November 5, 2015 
FAT Vampires? I thought if you drank two blood shakes a day and are a sensible meal all would be well? We also need some FAT zombies on TWD and a FAT werewolf!
Reply ★ Owner
10:29 AM on November 14, 2015 
Yeah and how about a werewolf that drinks out of the toilet bowl like a real wolf probably would.